When the “engine” was just starting to rev up again, when I could still feel the difference between the “nothing” of being a vegetable and what I was starting to experience, i.e., looking outside, at a tree, at the grass, feeling the breeze around me, hearing music… it was clear that all of that was amazingly addictive.
I wanted more of it, even if it was in small doses.
There was a pleasure principle (endorphins?) that was activated, and I was hooked.
What a relief from the hospital where. starving for stimulation, my eyes and brain would relentlessly work off the curtains’ patterns and imagine various creatures and scenes.