And then there are those who may wonder whether someone who is “still alive” after a while, has still something to say, and whether all of this “ordeal-writing” was useless.

Various sensations/symptoms are called “sequels?”
At which point do I say “enough/basta” with any of this.
FYI tinnitus is called acouphènes in French (“une belle jambe”).

I know I don’t know, do I?

The words “bleeding heart” came to my mind during the night. What does that mean?

Some don’t know when they will die, and others also don’t know, but the time-frames, the scales are different.

Having doctors who are also           friends…

“Reality” should always be in quotes.  — Buckminster Fuller

… makes the unknown much more manageable.

The doctor’s words to me:
“These are typical findings after an area of traumatic hemorrhage in the brain.
The “encephalomalacia” is essentially an area of “scar” where the hemorrhage was. No major concern. Perhaps some small, limited risk of seizure, but not enough to warrant seizure meds.
The enhancement seen after the IV contrast is a bit curious. Possibly just healing from trauma, but as mentioned, a small possibility of a dural arteriovenous fistula (dAVF). These are typically more minor irregularities of the blood vessels, not as significant as the AVM that you had years ago, but if you continue to have a pulsatile tinnitus (sounds in your ear) a catheter cerebral angiogram like you had years ago for the AVM (catheter threaded through femoral artery in groin or radial artery in wrist to inject dye) could be considered. Mike.”

What I feel is typically physical and fleeting (various sensations around the brain); what doctors see is different.
Finally, almost two months later, a nurse (why not a doctor?) tells me by comparing three CT scans, how the impact of the fall, through the helmet, generated some blood inside my brain.

It is visible… and yet, no one knows exactly how this will manifest itself in the future.

“Talk to your GP if you notice something new.”

The good news is that the blood has not expanded. The not-so-great news is that the blood is still there and what remains prevents some part of the brain to function – my understanding in a quick summary that typically doesn’t spell out the ramifications: “either you will know if something is not right, or you won’t.”

“And by the way, the book on brain injury you were given may not be that relevant to you” – a guessing game, or is it the advice given to a child with something some adults (somewhere) may understand in a deeper way. Or have I reached the limits of science/medicine and no one wants to acknowledge that?
Is this what they could be saying: “I am sorry, we would like to help you further, but we just don’t know.”

The arrow points to the area with blood.

The fantastic news following one more clavicle X-Ray is that I can go back to the pool – we swimmers are used to fighting against the elements! If I die, it may be in the water!

Rose-colored glasses await most of us who “want to feel good.” Reality though cannot be summarized by words, emoji, images, you name it.

Still:

When I fell on my bicycle, I was on my way to a pharmacy to get my Covid booster. About a month and a half later, during my “recovery,” after consulting with my GP, I went to get that particular shot, this time by walking one hour… and right by my side, this luxurious dwelling caught my eye.
I took it – stupid humans – as a kind of omen. The circle was completed this time, I did get the booster, and the “visuals” felt like a gift.

Luxurious setting, quiet street, REAL estate (as it is called!).

WORDS PLAY WITH US ALL THE TIME: (f)ALL RISK(s?)

Whether I keep updating these comments or not, depends on a few things:

1. I need to keep having something to add.

2. “Surviving” goes further… There is a blood clot in my brain. I can feel it as a particular pain in my head, sometimes more present than not.
Does it grow, is it stable? Is my blood pressure affecting it or not? It is clear: I need calm.
And sometimes, when I lie down everything spins…  Something else to get used to?

Another CATscan will reveal a variety of truths?

My GP’s Notes Around Our Meeting

An epitaph? Not very original…
Not knowing much about the future – “the curtain may drop at any time” – means not knowing much. It means that making plans & making statements is just about impossible.
Again I go back to Socrates: if I know anything, it is that I know nothing.
Good luck to everyone: please be as kind as possible with each other (and I mean animals and the planet – we are “them” too)!

Wounds, there are many types, are like cracks.*
Some are visible, some are not. From the outside, one can misjudge the situation.
Only since the concept of “PTSD” became a reality, the remnants – what remains of trauma – can be considered “devastating” (i.e. complete “destruction” is present).
If its presence is felt, nothing normal  makes sense: conversation seems trivial and is of no use.
In certain circles, it is often discussed that you can take the Jews out of slavery, but you cannot take slavery out of the Jews.
Maybe Cervantes’ “giving time to time” does not apply here?
*Please don’t give me Leonard Cohen’s “and that’s where the light comes in” –  the crack is a break.

As I said in 1975 or so in a video piece: “what you see is not…”

My dear mother said, after learning two more languages besides her native language, that she spoke “only foreign languages.” Even her ties to the language of her childhood had faded away.
The state of being estranged is hard to convey to people who expect language to be used in the most conventional way.
Distance becomes the only way to communicate at those times. As the surrealists pleaded back in the 1920’s: Let the infinite in!